How to Stop Self Sabotaging
We all do it. If you don’t, then why are you reading an article called “How to Stop Self Sabotaging”?!
But I digress, self-sabotage is something most will have to deal with. From harming your career to preventing you from being happy, stopping yourself from figuratively knifing yourself in the back will reap untold benefits.
Unfortunately, those benefits are locked behind the dreaded door of “self-improvement”.
Thankfully, if you’re reading this you have grown somewhat aware of your self-sabotaging ways and want to do something about it.
But before we get to that, let’s make sure we’re all on the same page…
What is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage is the many interesting ways we find to harm ourselves either physically, mentally, or emotionally. Ultimately, it is how we become our own worst enemy when it comes to creating successful and healthy lives for ourselves.
This common phenomenon is also known as behavioural dysregulation. It can be conscious or unconscious, depending on your level of self-awareness.
“Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn’t happen.” – Alyce Cornyn-Selby
Examples of Self-Sabotage
Self-sabotage can take many forms. For some, it’s relatively small actions that have minor consequences. For others, it can be truly self-destructive habits that impact their work, relationships and ultimately their life.
Here are just a few real-world examples:
Eating unhealthy food when you’re trying to eat more sensibly
Missing important events without a valid excuse
Oversharing (could be unconscious)
Giving up on tasks when you’re fully capable of doing them
Creating or voluntary pursuing distractions
Avoiding people and situations that make you uncomfortable
Setting low-stake goals to ensure success
Why Do We Self-Sabotage?
Low self-esteem is the biggest culprit behind self-sabotage. We believe we’re not worthy of success, so go out of our ways to make sure we undermine ourselves every chance we get.
4 Signs to Look Out For
1. Chronic Procrastination
“Just one more episode…” or the classic “it’s 9.05, might as well start at 10 now.” The need to procrastinate can be strong. While some of us are lucky to be in full control of this inherent desire, a lot of us aren’t. This is what makes procrastination a severe sign of self-sabotage, you are essentially putting off beneficial (yet tiresome) tasks in order to do just about anything else.
“Procrastination is, hands down, our favorite form of self-sabotage.” – Alyce Cornyn-Selby
2. Harsh Self-Criticism
Being too critical of yourself can be a sure-fire way to build doubt, anxiety and overall contempt for all of your life accomplishments. You get into a rut of thinking you’re not good enough, losing all semblance of self-confidence and self-worth.
Then come the excuses you tell yourself for why you shouldn’t be doing just about anything. This then leads you to pre-emptively expecting failure on tasks you haven’t even completed yet, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy that will fuel you with even more self-doubt and self-loathing.
3. Negativity Spirals
Having a strong bias towards negativity is another defining characteristic of a self-saboteur. When you get into these negativity spirals, you can become hopeless and feel constantly defeated. And – when given the opportunity – you’ll strike down any attempt at making things better. You’ll become a strict follower of the age-old pessimist’s adage “what’s the point?”.
4. Imposter Syndrome
Feeling like a fraud – funnily enough - doesn’t do you a world of favours. If you feel inadequate despite having a mountain of evidence that says otherwise, you’ve got imposter syndrome.
Imposter syndrome can lead you to question everything you do, prevent you from reaching out to those around you, and believing everyone else deserves success – just not you.
6 Tips to Help You Stop Self-Sabotaging
1. Get to Know Yourself
It won’t be easy trying to change behaviours you’re not even aware of. This is where careful self-reflection should come into play. But becoming self-aware isn’t as easy as having a good long think; instead, it requires a lot of record taking and a surprising amount of analysis.
Use a journal to track behaviours and thought patterns and see if you can trace them back to their triggers. Also, take introspective breaks throughout the day and think about what you’ve accomplished, what you haven’t and all the factors that had an impact.
2. Course-Correct
You’re already well-versed in self-sabotage, so why not put those skills into sabotaging your self-sabotaging ways? So, as you develop insights about yourself, you’ll begin to notice the habits, patterns or behaviours that are holding you back.
Once you recognise that you’re beginning to self-sabotage, you can adjust your course and sail past that iceberg you’ve been steering towards.
3. Don’t Be Too Harsh
Chronic self-saboteurs who are trying to stop will commonly be too harsh on themselves. They will beat themselves up over past behaviours and actions, and will believe they are becoming a “better person”.
But this is itself a form of self-sabotage. Treating yourself as a villain who needs to be changed can blind you to the reasons that underly your habits. For example, you’re not procrastinating because you’re lazy, you’re most likely doing it out of fear of failure. Those are two very different reasons, and by misattributing it to laziness you are doomed to try and fix something that isn’t even true.
4. Research Alternative Behaviours and Methods
Your self-destructive ways might seem unique. Whether its stress eating or imposter syndrome, there will be other people out there who have gone through the exact same thing.
It could be a book, blog or even a podcast – just do your research and find people you identify with who offer clear and relevant advice that has worked for them. Don’t just give up when you uncover one - find as many as possible. They will all offer different techniques and solutions that can be combined to help your own individual needs.
5. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
As Theodore Roosevelt once said, “comparison is the thief of joy”. It’s also the thief of motivation.
Take some time to focus on your positive qualities. Remind yourself every day that they exist – and they haven’t gone anywhere. When you find yourself comparing yourself to others and feeling like they are succeeding while you’re not, remind yourself that everyone’s experience is vastly different to yours. And also, people tend to share their successes and never their failures.
Social media can be the biggest culprit in worsening these feelings. Therefore, using it less or being aware of the negativity spirals your feed can trigger can help a great deal.
6. Seek Professional Help
I should hope that this article won’t be your first and last call on your road to recovery. As with any huge pushes to change deep-seated behaviours, I’d strongly suggest seeking advice from a mental health expert.
A therapist, for example, can help you gain a deeper understanding of why you do it, while also providing tips and strategies for combatting self-sabotaging thoughts.
Conclusion
Hopefully I’ve given you some ideas and some helpful tips on how you can stop yourself being a self-saboteur and instead a self-saviour… (self-conserver? Self-preserver? Protector? Nope, saviour it is).
For more self-help tips, check out my articles on how to stop being a people-pleaser and work burnout: signs and how to avoid or go one step further and check out our workplace wellbeing consultant services.
Written by Michael
Michael Mauro is the founder of a forward-thinking organisation specialising in leadership, HR and employee development. With over a decade of global experience, Michael has become a leading voice on topics such as culture, inclusion, wellbeing, and the future of leadership.
